Old 26th February 2009, 22:44   #1
Wildrose-Wally
The Albertan
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Posts: 6,122
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Wildrose-Wally is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2009, 05:12   #2
swingdjted
DRINK BEER NOW
(Forum King)
 
swingdjted's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Northern West Virginia
Posts: 9,990
Send a message via AIM to swingdjted Send a message via Yahoo to swingdjted
A blonde came up to me this morning with two dogs. To make conversation, I asked "What are their names?". She answered, "Oh, hello, this one is Timex and this one is Seiko". I replied, "Why did you name them Timex and Seiko?". She responded, "They're my watchdogs."

Don't forget to live before you die.
swingdjted is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2009, 06:48   #3
rockouthippie
Banned
 
rockouthippie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 11,002
A woman goes up to the produce clerk in a supermarket. She says "I'd like a pound of broccoli". The clerk says "We're out of broccoli. How about some cauliflower?" She says "I like cauliflower, but I'll take a pound of broccoli." The clerk says "We're out of broccoli. How about some spinach?" She says "I like spinach, but I'll take a pound of broccoli." The clerk says "We're out of broccoli. How about some eggplant?" She says "I like eggplant, but I'll take a pound of broccoli."

The clerk asks "Can you spell cat as in caterpillar?" She says "Sure... C..A..T...". The clerk asks "Can you spell dog as in dogwood?" She says "Sure... D..O..G..".

"Can you spell fuck as in broccoli?"

"There isn't any fuck n' broccoli"
rockouthippie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th March 2009, 04:22   #4
kreshorulez
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3
Quote:
Originally posted by rockouthippie
A woman goes up to the produce clerk in a supermarket. She says "I'd like a pound of broccoli". The clerk says "We're out of broccoli. How about some cauliflower?" She says "I like cauliflower, but I'll take a pound of broccoli." The clerk says "We're out of broccoli. How about some spinach?" She says "I like spinach, but I'll take a pound of broccoli." The clerk says "We're out of broccoli. How about some eggplant?" She says "I like eggplant, but I'll take a pound of broccoli."

The clerk asks "Can you spell cat as in caterpillar?" She says "Sure... C..A..T...". The clerk asks "Can you spell dog as in dogwood?" She says "Sure... D..O..G..".

"Can you spell fuck as in broccoli?"

"There isn't any fuck n' broccoli"
Rofl. Good one!
kreshorulez is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th March 2009, 08:02   #5
Paul_Bags
Major Dude
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 722
Security asks customer to open his bag. Customer refuses. Security insists, call goes out, almost every staff member in the store comes to support security if he needs it. Guy still refuses, starts swearing. Management insists. Guy gets pissy, opens his bag and throws all his stuff on the ground. Guy hadn't stolen anything, decides to swear about it some more. Management trespasses him for 2 years, security escorts him off the premises.

Guy walks into the bottle store attached to the supermarket. Has a look at a few things, already drunk, and decides to swear at the cashier who happened to be the manager. Manager tells him to leave, calls in the cavalry. Guy is a smarmy prick, refuses to leave, continues to piss people including higher management. Higher management tells the security guard to walk away and starts chasing the guy. In the end the guy gets to spend the night in the cells. Apparently I was rude to him, having not ever spoken a word to him throughout.

Some guys come in and decide it would be a good idea to have an easter egg fight. Kinda bummed I missed that one.


Working at a supermarket == good times.

The amount of questions I answered by simply reading the packet of the product they were going on about, or by looking at the aisles and reading what was down them, or directing the customer to do a 180 to find the eggs 5 feet behind them... So glad I clean poo for a living now.
Paul_Bags is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th March 2009, 15:44   #6
kingo'mountain
in need of banned aid
 
kingo'mountain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: over the rainb... uh... nevermind
Posts: 2,714
hahahaha!!!!!!!

paul, as a former supermarket employee, i know exactly what you went through, people are so spoiled, either that or they cant read... or better, just plain dumb.

i have never seen an egg fight here, probably because eggs are so damn pricy these days, and it was more popular in the 90's, the security and swearing bit is well known to me, some people think they are royalty and shouldn't be touched and dont think that youre just doing your job, they take you for granted and wont apologize when things have cooled. what gets me the most is that the security guards are just for show (fo' show, dawg), and dont actually throw someone out, on the worse cases they just scream at the person and call the cops (hello, youre kinda a cop)

and i just adore all the clerks who carry shutguns under their counter in case some crook deicdes to make a house call, places like chicago, harlem, los angeles... geez.. all store owners\employees should hire personal guards, but just tell me where you can go without carrying a gun and mace this days!
kingo'mountain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th March 2009, 18:24   #7
Paul_Bags
Major Dude
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 722
Easter egg fight . And things must be a bit different here, security and even regular employees would chase perps down the street and even tackle them.

I always thought of it as a consumer thing: people who are otherwise rocket scientists would switch their brains off when they entered the store. They would, in a bizarre attempt to get out the store faster, spend longer finding someone to ask were X product is rather than look for it. It's not that they can't find it, they just don't want to have to look.
The majority of people are actually quite good, but you don't notice them as much.
Paul_Bags is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2009, 00:16   #8
dlinkwit27
has no CT
(Forum King)
 
dlinkwit27's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Posts: 13,235
Send a message via ICQ to dlinkwit27 Send a message via AIM to dlinkwit27 Send a message via Yahoo to dlinkwit27
since when is broccoli ordered? here you just pile it into a bag
dlinkwit27 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2009, 04:44   #9
eheiney
und keine Eier!
 
eheiney's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: MI, USA
Posts: 1,374
Send a message via AIM to eheiney
Quote:
Originally posted by Paul_Bags
Security asks customer to open his bag. Customer refuses. Security insists, call goes out, almost every staff member in the store comes to support security if he needs it. Guy still refuses, starts swearing. Management insists. Guy gets pissy, opens his bag and throws all his stuff on the ground. Guy hadn't stolen anything, decides to swear about it some more. Management trespasses him for 2 years, security escorts him off the premises.
This is one thing that has always bothered me. Why do stores ask customers to prove their purchases? If he paid for his purchase, he owned the items in the bag. And if he owned the items in the bag, it's nobody's concern to what is inside the bag. And if it's no one's concern to what is inside the bag, he should not have been confronted by security and treated like a criminal subject to a search.

I agree the customer in this case was out of line by swearing and getting "pissy", and I realize that the whole situation could have been avoided by complying with the simple request of opening his bag, and then being allowed to go on his merry way... but why should he have to if he had done nothing wrong?

I've been in this situation numerous times and, quite frankly, I enjoy it more and more each time. If politely asked, I'll politely refuse and continue out the door. If stopped, I'll politely explain. I've been threatened with arrest four times, but I know and enjoy my rights and I will not willingly forfeit them just to be polite.

Spiral out, my friend. You will find your way back to yourself, we all will.
I'll be waiting, and shall see you on the other side...
eheiney is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2009, 05:18   #10
kingo'mountain
in need of banned aid
 
kingo'mountain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: over the rainb... uh... nevermind
Posts: 2,714
well, store employees should always be in doubt about each client, by eyes only you cant follow each person to make sure they have not stolen, and still do your job (i tried, only made me to waste half my shift)

i think i'll use the all known punchline of "what would you do if someone stole from your store?" (hypothetically, in case you have a store)...

you'd be surprized to know that the people who are nice to you and smooth talk you, are the best theives, because simply you dont suspect them, that doesn't mean that every nice person is a theif per se, but you just gotta be aware.

if you have stolen nothing, there should be no trouble for you to simply open your bag for 2 secs, its not like you carry pot or a gun or something incriminating, if its because youre ashamed of the crap you put in your bag, people dont care, as long as you dont steal (not saying that you do)
kingo'mountain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2009, 06:24   #11
Paul_Bags
Major Dude
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 722
Quote:
why should he have to if he had done nothing wrong?
How do you know for sure until you open the bag?

Here we have the right, notified on entrance (making it a condition of entry, if you don't like it don't enter...), to search handbags, backpacks, etc (it was a backpack, to be clear). I actually think we have the right to detain you, if you refuse, until the police arrive.
There are some stores that won't allow you to actually take a bag through the store, you have to leave it somewhere, and as it happens at the store in question we had a locked room and color coded tags for storing bags for people. Just by the fact of not using that system it seems suspect, of course it's possible he didn't know about it but then anger tends to leave you ignorant of things.

Frankly I understand the frustration of shoplifting and the crumby morality of some people, so if I decide to take a backpack into a store and get asked to check it on the way out I'm all fine with that.

I remember one time I had a backpack on me and I couldn't find what I was looking for, I noticed the security guard making sure I didn't nic anything so I asked him where it was, he looked at me like "ummm, you weren't supposed to see me..." .


There is a specific situation that required we check customers purchases against their receipt: if they've just bought something from us, walked back through the store with their purchases and bought something else, then we have to make sure that what they're claiming they'd already purchased has been purchased.
Paul_Bags is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2009, 08:06   #12
kingo'mountain
in need of banned aid
 
kingo'mountain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: over the rainb... uh... nevermind
Posts: 2,714
Quote:
Originally posted by Paul_Bags
he looked at me like "ummm, you weren't supposed to see me..." .
ofcourse, watching over someone like that should be done discretely, the secret to success here is not to let them know youre watching them, aside from the uncomfortableness you feel of being watched, it irritates you (the person in question) and you never know if that guy will go and kick you in the nuts for staring

Quote:

There is a specific situation that required we check customers purchases against their receipt: if they've just bought something from us, walked back through the store with their purchases and bought something else, then we have to make sure that what they're claiming they'd already purchased has been purchased.
you should be careful with that, reciepts are like free money if you know what youre doing, you can get products for free with them (wont specify as not to give any ideas)
kingo'mountain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2009, 20:01   #13
MrMagick
Major Dude
 
MrMagick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Back in Iowa!
Posts: 1,220
Send a message via ICQ to MrMagick Send a message via AIM to MrMagick Send a message via Yahoo to MrMagick
If I ever go into a store with a bag of some kind, I always check if I can bring it with me. Second thing I do is take out my cash and count it, non-discretely, in front of employees to show I intend to purchase.

On another note. This local food store cashes paychecks at the customer service counter. I was getting checks in the mail from out of state. I had cashed 9 checks at that store before finally being confronted by the store manager about not being able to cash out of state checks there.

Then, I simply asked him where the sign was that said so and why they've cashed them before. He cursed at me and told me "I don't give a **** about who's been cashing your checks before. I'm running the store today and I won't let you cash that ****ing check here." Needless to say, I told him thanks for making up my mind about where I was getting my purchases from now on and I left.

-~MrMagick~-
MrMagick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2009, 22:12   #14
kingo'mountain
in need of banned aid
 
kingo'mountain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: over the rainb... uh... nevermind
Posts: 2,714
i want to clarify something, i may be wrong or partially wrong, but i think that one of 2 things happened here...

1.) they saw you regularly cash checks there instead of going to the bank, to some people it lights a red light that maybe they are helping you do something illegal or they are just afraid of money loss in case the check bounces.. again it could be a direct transfer to your bank account instead of cash... hmmm

2.) that manager had a rough day and decided to take it on you, which is a thing i know too well

if i'm off, i'm sorry, just picturing it all in my mind
kingo'mountain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th March 2009, 08:55   #15
Psythik
Got his CT back
and didn't pay $10
(Forum King)
 
Psythik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,581
To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.

"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."

The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.

"Fuckin' A," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."

They walk up to the house and knock on the door.

"Come on in," a voice in the house says.

The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.

When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"

"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."

"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."

"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.

The genie smiles. "Consider it done."

"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."

The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.

When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"

"31," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

This is a sig of some nature.
Psythik is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th March 2009, 20:32   #16
swingdjted
DRINK BEER NOW
(Forum King)
 
swingdjted's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Northern West Virginia
Posts: 9,990
Send a message via AIM to swingdjted Send a message via Yahoo to swingdjted
^ worth the read.

Don't forget to live before you die.
swingdjted is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2009, 14:07   #17
kingo'mountain
in need of banned aid
 
kingo'mountain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: over the rainb... uh... nevermind
Posts: 2,714
ohhhh, i get it.... hahaha

at first i thought the punchline was that he's too old to believe in genies and that genie was a real one, damn stupid.....

[edit] considering that... an hour? thats impossible, no guy in the world, even the most skilled one, can last an hour, porn actors cant last that, and they fuck (almost) every day, i mean, all blowjob and penetration scenes together cant last even half an hour

btw, porn acting is hell, i was really jealous of them, but saw a few documentaries, all the AIDS thing, and not being able to get an erection if youre an amateur can take away from the whole experience, forced erections are a major fail
kingo'mountain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2009, 18:07   #18
swingdjted
DRINK BEER NOW
(Forum King)
 
swingdjted's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Northern West Virginia
Posts: 9,990
Send a message via AIM to swingdjted Send a message via Yahoo to swingdjted
People can last one or more hours easily with experience.

Don't forget to live before you die.
swingdjted is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2009, 19:15   #19
Psythik
Got his CT back
and didn't pay $10
(Forum King)
 
Psythik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,581
I lasted over half an hour my first time.

This is a sig of some nature.
Psythik is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2009, 20:07   #20
kingo'mountain
in need of banned aid
 
kingo'mountain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: over the rainb... uh... nevermind
Posts: 2,714
riiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhhttttttttttttttt......

i may be virgin, but i know the facts, the fact is that guys are not built to last long, its true that there are exceptions, but in general us men have a certain limit while women in general have a longer limit and sometimes multiple limits... why? beats me! ... seems like a cruel joke made by evolution, but still better than nothing... i think its because we like to get straight to the point without all the emotions and foreplay that women seek so much

btw, psythik... didnt you tell me once that youre like 15-16? i could be confuzing you with someone else, but i vaguely recall you saying youre somewhere in that age... gee.. wish i could score at your age, would be a shame to me because at that age it would have taken me less than 30 secs to "get it over with" (and i dont take me as an example to what i said above, just stating my condition)
kingo'mountain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th March 2009, 05:31   #21
jhun phil
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1
Quote:
Originally posted by kingo'mountain
riiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhhttttttttttttttt......

i may be virgin, but i know the facts, the fact is that guys are not built to last long, its true that there are exceptions, but in general us men have a certain limit while women in general have a longer limit and sometimes multiple limits... why? beats me! ... seems like a cruel joke made by evolution, but still better than nothing... i think its because we like to get straight to the point without all the emotions and foreplay that women seek so much

btw, psythik... didnt you tell me once that youre like 15-16? i could be confuzing you with someone else, but i vaguely recall you saying youre somewhere in that age... gee.. wish i could score at your age, would be a shame to me because at that age it would have taken me less than 30 secs to "get it over with" (and i dont take me as an example to what i said above, just stating my condition)
Says who? oh well i do agree with you there on some point. Men tend to die at a young age and a lesser life span compared to that of women? Why is it this way? It is due to the fact that men tend to abuse their body and were very inconsiderate when it comes to taking care of it.

Catering Miami Weddings Fort Lauderdale Caterers Boca Raton
gochi
jhun phil is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th March 2009, 16:25   #22
Psythik
Got his CT back
and didn't pay $10
(Forum King)
 
Psythik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,581
I'm 20. And yes, I did last over a half hour. I don't have a lot of experience, but it seems like all the girls I have been with suck at pleasing a guy.

This is a sig of some nature.
Psythik is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th March 2009, 17:20   #23
swingdjted
DRINK BEER NOW
(Forum King)
 
swingdjted's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Northern West Virginia
Posts: 9,990
Send a message via AIM to swingdjted Send a message via Yahoo to swingdjted
Even if they're damn good, you can still pace yourself, especially if it's your 2nd through 4th time of the night. Just takes a little self control.

Don't forget to live before you die.
swingdjted is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th March 2009, 22:46   #24
Wildrose-Wally
The Albertan
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Posts: 6,122
Hey jhun phil, You're a fuckin' spammer.

Get the fuck out.
Wildrose-Wally is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply
Go Back   Winamp & Shoutcast Forums > Community Center > General Discussions

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump