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Old 30th January 2004, 06:44   #1
Major Dude
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Limbo
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"Public Feels Firmer Stance Required for Repeat Offenders"

(From my local newspaper)

“The Beat,” otherwise known as The Dickinson Press' “For the Record” is the public record of citations, various infractions and such.

This oft-read section of the newspaper has been unintentionally keeping tabs on one underground movement that is again rapidly becoming commonplace in Dickinson as winter approaches. Though the potential public safety issues of this Queen City secret society are relatively unknown at this point, the threat should not be taken serio... lightly.

Various squirrel sightings and two near-citation incidents dominated the beat in the last week of May this year. After a quiet run lasting through June, July, August and most of September, this week has seen another rise in the nutty news empire as the urban streets are now awash with squirrel violence. The coincidence of this being the four-month anniversary of the previous squirrel antics should not be overlooked.

On May 28 of this year a squirrel was reported to have allegedly broken into a house, eventually becoming trapped in one of the houses bathrooms by the alleged victims of the incident. The Dickinson Police responded to this call. No comments were forthcoming from officials as to why the squirrel had entered the house, though a rash of nut party tray disappearances from nearby houses also on that block show the potential for those to be related incidents.

On May 29, another squirrel, one who I believe to be the same unsavory individual, broke into a different house and was subsequently again reported to the police.

While I believe the punishment for repeat offenders should be upped severely, the responding officers demonstrated fathomless pity and this individual was again allowed to go free. Fortunately for each alleged victim involved as well as the responding officers, no one was injured in the incident as the squirrel was “released back into the wild” according to incident reports.

Though eye-witness accounts vary, earlier this week a squirrel was reported as a potential traffic hazard. I believe this incident involves the same repeat offender from earlier this year.

Unfortunately this fact can neither be confirmed nor denied through questioning of the possible perpetrator. The thug was allegedly standing in the middle of the street when it was hit by a car and pronounced dead on arrival by responding emergency crews.

Though I take a firm stand on adequate punishment for wrong-doing and the wrong-doers involved, I wish more effort had been made to reach the squirrel before he thought it necessary to take his life.

I believe the rash of incidents involving the squirrel may have been some kind of call for help that went unanswered. And while this could be just one isolated incidence, I think that we can all learn from the consequences of second chances not offered to squirrels.

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