Old 24th September 2003, 21:47   #1
Raz
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Moral of the story - Joke thread

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend - she was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one
thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty
years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing
outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:






Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Old 24th September 2003, 21:49   #2
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Heard that already...just it was the Mother in law.

I am so important I feel the need to let it be known like a liberal discovering the internets for the first time. Uh hur hur hur. I also wash myself with a rag on a stick.
Realitybites
<3
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Old 24th September 2003, 23:14   #3
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somehow i saw that coming

"Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?"
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Old 24th September 2003, 23:21   #4
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i thought this was gonna turn into a ban for ryan for a second there
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Old 24th September 2003, 23:22   #5
Raz
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Missed the "Joke thread" part of the title?

Ah well, the one joke off the internet i never saw before and everyones heard it.

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Old 24th September 2003, 23:39   #6
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lol never heard it, was good

I came for the hatred.
I stayed for the ballbag.
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Old 26th September 2003, 22:42   #7
mark
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when did "ryan" get his name changed from raz? and do i have to use PMs to get my name ajusted to "Nobby"?
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Old 27th September 2003, 01:34   #8
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I got it changed a few days ago, and not necessarily, just get a mods attention. I pm'd Sawg.

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Old 27th September 2003, 14:31   #9
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havnt heard that one before, love it

short but true story.
a week or two ago my best mate and i decided to skip half a day of skool to catch up on our studies. we stayed at his house and worked away (which is really odd for us). anyway, shit popped its ugly head out, we were accused of wagging, and given a 3 hour saturday detention.
ofter doing the detention the teacher in charge gave us the usual taking to, you know how it goes 'what are you going to do next time', 'can you see it from our side', blah blah blah.
when he asked me what the moral of the story was, i looked at him and said 'don't study'... somehow in all my stupidty/cheekyness, he agreed. funny from a tight ass teacher...

anyway, your story was funnier i know. but i thought id share mine too

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Old 18th May 2012, 01:58   #10
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"Q: What is the difference between a computer and a woman ?
A: A woman won't accept a 3 and 1/2-inch floppy !"


(necrobumb because it's a joke that is more fitting in 2003 or earlier)

Don't forget to live before you die.
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Old 18th May 2012, 05:31   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swingdjted View Post
"Q: What is the difference between a computer and a woman ?
A: A woman won't accept a 3 and 1/2-inch floppy !"


(necrobumb because it's a joke that is more fitting in 2003 or earlier)
Hey, I thought everybody's was 3.5" when floppy.
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Old 18th May 2012, 05:38   #12
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you'll notice floppy length is highly dependent on temperature

Don't forget to live before you die.
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Old 18th May 2012, 11:02   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swingdjted View Post
"Q: What is the difference between a computer and a woman ?
A: A woman won't accept a 3 and 1/2-inch floppy !"


(necrobumb because it's a joke that is more fitting in 2003 or earlier)
Truth in joke telling...And I don't care what temperature it is.........
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Old 19th May 2012, 06:41   #14
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Heh, just realized I failed a proofreading yet again. "necrobumb" should be "necrobump". Quite an odd typo.

Yeah, erections aren't really temperature sensitive - same length hot or cold. However, "floppy" lengths and thicknesses change significantly with temperature, hence the "I was in the pool!" defense and the "like a frightened turtle" explanation.

Don't forget to live before you die.
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Old 13th June 2012, 11:50   #15
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if i had a penny for every time i've heard both of those jokes...

I hate everyone, so you don't have to.
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Old 13th June 2012, 21:27   #16
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What's the difference between a circus and a strip club?

The circus has a bunch of cunning stunts





(whereas the strip club has a bunch of...)

Don't forget to live before you die.
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Old 13th June 2012, 22:36   #17
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never tell bad puns alone ted, in fact make a friend who likes telling them too, that way when you're at some social thing, making bad puns, cause well, it's easy and they're great, you at least get two laughs.

I hate everyone, so you don't have to.
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Old 13th June 2012, 23:15   #18
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Q. What is relative humidity?
































A. The sweat on your balls when your banging your wife's sister.
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Old 13th June 2012, 23:54   #19
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alright, fine looks like this is gonna continue despite me picking apart the differences of what's actually a joke and what's a pun, so, consider this your pre-emptive strike:

What happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? — you rock to the beat.

How do you mend a broken jack o’ lantern? — with a pumpkin patch.

what do you call a lease of false teeth? — a dental rental

Where did the kittens go on the class trip — to the meow-seum.

What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? — a watchdog

What did the art dealer say when a man asked what a picture was supposed to be? — a reflection of you.

what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? — shore

What falls down but never gets hurt? — snow

What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee’s hair? — a honey comb

How do you get a peanut to laugh? — you crack it up

Who greets you at a haunted house? — a host ghost

Why did the farmer bury all his money? — to make his soil rich

Where can you find an ocean without water? — on a map

What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? — a hobby horse

Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles

What do you call an avid gardener? — herb

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? — a poul-tree

What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? — a grape nobody picks on

What did the tree say to the mountain? — stop peaking at me!

What are sailors’ favorite fruits? — naval oranges

Where does a penguin keep his money? — in a snow bank

What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the Brits)? — Let’s dance and I’ll dip you.

Why do bees have sticky hair? — they use honeycombs

Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? — he wanted to get the scoop

Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? — she broke her angle

What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? — a chipmonk

What kind of trees sew? — pine trees, they always have needles around

What did the plate say to the other plate? — lunch is on me.

What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? — I’ve been framed!

Did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? — They gave the actors stage fright

How do you turn soup into gold? — add 24 carrots (karats)

What do you do if a rhino charges you? — Give him your credit card.

Why did they bury the battery? — Because it was dead.

What do sneezes wear on their feet? — ahh-shoes

What do wolves say when they are introduced? — howl do you do?

What does a car run on? — wheels

What did the sink say to the water faucet? — you’re a real drip

where do pigs park their cars? — in a porking lot

Why did the banana leave the cinema? — the film didn’t appeal to him.

Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? — because his mother was a wafer so long.

What do you call a hot dog in a bun? — an in betweenie weenie.

Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? — He found a leek there.

How do you make a witch itch? — take away her W

What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? — tug of whore
*ok, so that was mine. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention*

What do you call a crab who plays baseball? — a pinch-hitter

What is the clumsiest bee? — a bumbling bee

What kind of bean can’t grow? — a jelly bean

Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? — a martian mellow

How does a man on the moon get his hair cut? — eclipse it

What do you do when you have no rubber bands? — find a plastic orchestra

– — – — and some old favorites — – — – — -

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? — time to get a new fence.

What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? — a frog in a blender

What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? — a dead school bus

Why did the man throw his margarine? — he wanted to see the butter fly

What did the finger say to the thumb? — I’m in glove with you (heather’s favorite)

What’s brown and sticky? — a stick!

What’s red and not there? — no tomatoes

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? — a very cross penguin

How do billboards talk? — Sign language!

What kind of chain is edible? — A food chain!

What did the grass see say to the ball field? — I want to root for you.

How do you shoot a killer bee? — With a bee-bee gun.

Why did the bowling pins stop working? — Because they went on Strike.

Why do fish swim in schools? — Because they can’t walk in schools.

What is a buckaneer? — Expensive corn!

How do you get an alien baby to sleep? — You rocket!

What is a parasite? — Something you see in Paris.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? — To get to the other slide!

How do you get the water into watermelon? — Plant it in the spring!

Why was the boy covered in gift wrap? — His mom told him to “Live in the present!”


THERE, i'll be damned if you can find any worse.

I hate everyone, so you don't have to.
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Old 2nd October 2012, 04:37   #20
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Old 2nd October 2012, 16:57   #21
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That's a gooder.

SEX APPEAL UP IN HERE!
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
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Old 17th October 2012, 21:13   #22
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Old 17th October 2012, 21:25   #23
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^word
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Old 5th December 2012, 08:39   #24
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Old 30th December 2012, 14:42   #25
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Old 30th December 2012, 15:20   #26
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Old 30th December 2012, 16:47   #27
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Feast or famine. Why when you are hooked up do their friends hit on you? It just isn't fair.
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Old 13th January 2013, 11:18   #28
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Old 10th February 2013, 18:02   #29
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Old 12th February 2013, 12:41   #30
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Old story...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyekMx50PvU
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Old 13th February 2013, 21:08   #31
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Old 15th March 2013, 21:02   #32
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Old 20th April 2013, 07:02   #33
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/m...toryjokes.html
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Old 20th April 2013, 18:22   #34
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BMW's are overrated. Overpriced, too.

Jesus loves you [yes, you] so much, he even died for you so that you will not need to die, but live forever
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Old 29th April 2013, 00:44   #35
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Old 19th May 2013, 13:22   #36
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Old 10th November 2013, 05:38   #37
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Old 10th November 2013, 05:48   #38
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Old 10th November 2013, 05:52   #39
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Old 10th November 2013, 05:54   #40
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