What do you do when the pain wont go away?

missyob · 2nd May 2005, 03:03

I did something terrible in late November of last year. Because of my actions I disappointed my family and friends and hurt myself emotionally.

I thought I was over the pain.... After all it has been 5 months but today it hit me hard and I felt the pain and regret like it was the day it happend. I could not stop crying. I keep trying to forgive myself, even went to a therapist once, thought I was doing really great and totally relapsed today.

I know I am a good person -- too good sometimes but I just cant get over the regret and pain.

Any suggestions?

Phyltre · 2nd May 2005, 03:11

Personally, when I think of things I know I'm better off not dwelling on, I just remember that in order to be a good person in life I must be a positive person. Thinking about negative things I cannot affect will not make me a more positive person...in fact, it can do quite the opposite.

Therefore it is my obligation, if I want to be a good person, to forget what I cannot change and focus on what I can. I'm just hurting myself and everyone by doing otherwise.

sgtfuzzbubble011 · 2nd May 2005, 03:21

I've found that, while it's not good to dwell on the past, it's also good to think about it once in a while. It'll help you learn from your mistakes so that you don't repeat them. It isn't unhealthy to cry once in a while about things you've done or had done to you, but definitely try not to dwell on them. The only way you can become better is to learn from your mistakes and move on. You can't change the past, so there's no sense in beating yourself up over it. I know that's a lot easier said than done. I still feel like crying every time I think about Pixie, and it's been a month since she left. I know I can't change what happened, but I'm making myself a better person now because I'm learning from all the mistakes I made. Maybe the same can work for you.

missyob · 2nd May 2005, 03:34

Thanks guys. You have both helped alot.

I was just beating myself up so bad tonight.

<-------- says to self, think positive thoughts, you cant change the past but can strive for the future

You guys are the best. I am so glad to be a part of these forums.

ScorLibran · 2nd May 2005, 03:58

You know I'll always be here for you to lean on when things get tough, just as I was when we were going through it together last year.

Big hugs...

Chris

ryan · 2nd May 2005, 04:37

Kill myself..er.. *hug*

Twilightseer · 2nd May 2005, 11:47

I was about to post "Morphine" after I read the title of the thread

Disregard this post

missyob · 2nd May 2005, 12:21

Morphine makes me throw up.

ertmann|CPH · 2nd May 2005, 12:26

Greeting from a dull airport, with free wireless

ehm, i did something really stupid in my last relationship, and i beat myself up over it for quite some time, half a year or something i believe, but then normal life seemed to take over again, i still get some nights even though it's allmost 1,5 years ago where i can't sleep...

guess what im trying to say that the pain indeed does go away, it just takes the time it needs to take...

anyway... better get to the gate...

- See ya

missyob · 2nd May 2005, 12:33

All airports are boring

What I did had nothing to do with a relationship - It had to do with a decision that I regret......

xzxzzx · 2nd May 2005, 16:19

Missy, it sounds to me like you're approaching this the wrong way. I may be completely wrong, and so if I am, please disregard this post.

What it sounds like is that you're trying to justify what you did. "I'm a good person", while not a direct justification for the action, makes it seem less... profound. It's throwing dirt on a fire. It seems to work, you know. On the surface, everything is fine, but underneath, it smolders and waits to be resurrected, never really going out... well, a fire will eventually grow completely cold, but emotions won't. They can still hurt.

Don't try to make what you did "seem less". Maybe you aren't doing that, I don't know, but if you aren't, you're the first person I've met who doesn't. I do it. It's the natural human response. But it doesn't work, in the end.

I don't know what you did, and I'm not asking to know. You need to take responsability for whatever you did (I'm not saying you haven't), and try and make up any damage you did. Trying not to think about it... is dirt on the fire. It doesn't *fix* anything, it just covers it up. Again, the key here is to repair whatever damage you can - damage to a relationship (e.g. with your family) included.

I can't promise that doing this won't have a transient pain to it - admitting a transgression to a loved one often brings arguments and thrown dishes and so on (figuratively), but not admitting it can often do much worse. Much, much worse.

Print · 2nd May 2005, 23:40

Quote:

What do you do when the pain wont go away?

A quarter of weed, something to sip on - and some friends you can hang out with.

Problem solved

Bilbo Baggins · 2nd May 2005, 23:42

I ignore and let it eat away at me as self loathing. How emo am I?

protegechris · 3rd May 2005, 06:16

@bilbo

A nice long drive cures everything.

izchan · 3rd May 2005, 06:35

Missy.

xzxzzx is right. Don't evaluate the situation that you are going through by painting it black and white. There are more than one side of a story. You are beating yourself up over something because of the values that you hold dear to yourself. Its an integrity issue. And thats what makes you great.

Some will say face your problem, don't let it take you down.
Some will say be responsible and say "yes I did it".
And some will say "f**k it I will never do it again".

My take on pain is that its pain. It is not there to make you happy. It is there to make you hurt. Our body uses pain to tell us things, our mind uses pain to teach us.

Wallowing in self pity is of course to some people "uneffective" and "irresponsibile". But the truth is, sometimes, we have to hit rock bottom before we get to come up again. You are feeling pain, because you need to feel it. It is there for a reason.

Whatever happend, happend because it needed to. Your role in it was as it should be. What do you get off it? I don't know. Only you will know.

But I do know this. We are where we are today, because of what we were yesterday, molded by our own decision and all its consequences.

So if you feel like you need to cry, to shout, to repent or to even re-evaluate your priorities, then do so. Whatever you decide, it will help you understand yourself better. And from that, we grow.

... this is so embarasing. Your our mom and we are giving advice to you ...

... *hug* ... don't you feel afraid or alone ... you will always have us.

MegaRock · 3rd May 2005, 06:59

Quote:

Originally posted by blueprint_n9ne
A quarter of weed, something to sip on - and some friends you can hang out with.

Problem solved

yeah what you said.

deeder7001 · 3rd May 2005, 07:20

nobody's perfect.

missyob · 3rd May 2005, 11:52

Quote:

Originally posted by izchan
Missy.

... this is so embarasing. Your our mom and we are giving advice to you ... ... *hug* ... don't you feel afraid or alone ... you will always have us.

That is just the thing. I am the "mom" here. I am supposed to be a roll model here and I am so ashamed of what I did I cant even tell you guys............. Makes me feel even worse.

I am sorry I even started this thread...... I was just feeling like crap at what I did and...... Nevermind. Let this thread go. I will get over it.

Leonhart · 3rd May 2005, 11:59

*hugs*

missyob · 3rd May 2005, 12:08

** hugs back **

c2R · 3rd May 2005, 19:37

Everything will work out, Missy. Mainly because it always does...

Hope you're having a better day today...!

Bilbo Baggins · 3rd May 2005, 22:24

Quote:

Originally posted by protegechris
@bilbo

A nice long drive cures everything.

I prefer to write poetry.

2nd May 2005, 03:03	#1
missyob Angel of Winamp Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: The Winamp House Posts: 4,577	What do you do when the pain wont go away? I did something terrible in late November of last year. Because of my actions I disappointed my family and friends and hurt myself emotionally. I thought I was over the pain.... After all it has been 5 months but today it hit me hard and I felt the pain and regret like it was the day it happend. I could not stop crying. I keep trying to forgive myself, even went to a therapist once, thought I was doing really great and totally relapsed today. I know I am a good person -- too good sometimes but I just cant get over the regret and pain. Any suggestions?

2nd May 2005, 03:58	#5
ScorLibran Resident Floydian Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 6,217	You know I'll always be here for you to lean on when things get tough, just as I was when we were going through it together last year. Big hugs... Chris I'm a psychosomatic sister running around without a leash.

2nd May 2005, 16:19	#11
xzxzzx Forum King Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 7,254	Missy, it sounds to me like you're approaching this the wrong way. I may be completely wrong, and so if I am, please disregard this post. What it sounds like is that you're trying to justify what you did. "I'm a good person", while not a direct justification for the action, makes it seem less... profound. It's throwing dirt on a fire. It seems to work, you know. On the surface, everything is fine, but underneath, it smolders and waits to be resurrected, never really going out... well, a fire will eventually grow completely cold, but emotions won't. They can still hurt. Don't try to make what you did "seem less". Maybe you aren't doing that, I don't know, but if you aren't, you're the first person I've met who doesn't. I do it. It's the natural human response. But it doesn't work, in the end. I don't know what you did, and I'm not asking to know. You need to take responsability for whatever you did (I'm not saying you haven't), and try and make up any damage you did. Trying not to think about it... is dirt on the fire. It doesn't fix anything, it just covers it up. Again, the key here is to repair whatever damage you can - damage to a relationship (e.g. with your family) included. I can't promise that doing this won't have a transient pain to it - admitting a transgression to a loved one often brings arguments and thrown dishes and so on (figuratively), but not admitting it can often do much worse. Much, much worse. Freedom of speech is the basic freedom of humanity. When you've lost that, you've lost everything. 1\/\/4y 34\|<$p4y 1gp4y 33714y, 0d4y 0uy4y? \| Roses are #FF0000; Violets are #0000FF; chown -R ${YOU} ~/base The DMCA. It really is that bad. : Count for your life.

3rd May 2005, 06:16	#14
protegechris Forum Queen Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 6,635	@bilbo A nice long drive cures everything. yeah, i'm back.

3rd May 2005, 06:35	#15
izchan Major Dude Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Malaysia Posts: 1,503	Missy. xzxzzx is right. Don't evaluate the situation that you are going through by painting it black and white. There are more than one side of a story. You are beating yourself up over something because of the values that you hold dear to yourself. Its an integrity issue. And thats what makes you great. Some will say face your problem, don't let it take you down. Some will say be responsible and say "yes I did it". And some will say "f*k it I will never do it again". My take on pain is that its pain. It is not there to make you happy. It is there to make you hurt. Our body uses pain to tell us things, our mind uses pain to teach us. Wallowing in self pity is of course to some people "uneffective" and "irresponsibile". But the truth is, sometimes, we have to hit rock bottom before we get to come up again. You are feeling pain, because you need to feel it. It is there for a reason. Whatever happend, happend because it needed to. Your role in it was as it should be. What do you get off it? I don't know. Only you will know. But I do know this. We are where we are today, because of what we were yesterday, molded by our own decision and all its consequences. So if you feel like you need to cry, to shout, to repent or to even re-evaluate your priorities, then do so. Whatever you decide, it will help you understand yourself better. And from that, we grow. ... this is so embarasing. Your our mom and we are giving advice to you ... ... hug* ... don't you feel afraid or alone ... you will always have us. Sometimes it is just being me that counts By: izchan

2nd May 2005, 03:11	#2
Phyltre Forum King Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 2,751	Personally, when I think of things I know I'm better off not dwelling on, I just remember that in order to be a good person in life I must be a positive person. Thinking about negative things I cannot affect will not make me a more positive person...in fact, it can do quite the opposite. Therefore it is my obligation, if I want to be a good person, to forget what I cannot change and focus on what I can. I'm just hurting myself and everyone by doing otherwise.

2nd May 2005, 03:21	#3
sgtfuzzbubble011 Join Date: Jun 2000 Posts: 60,842	I've found that, while it's not good to dwell on the past, it's also good to think about it once in a while. It'll help you learn from your mistakes so that you don't repeat them. It isn't unhealthy to cry once in a while about things you've done or had done to you, but definitely try not to dwell on them. The only way you can become better is to learn from your mistakes and move on. You can't change the past, so there's no sense in beating yourself up over it. I know that's a lot easier said than done. I still feel like crying every time I think about Pixie, and it's been a month since she left. I know I can't change what happened, but I'm making myself a better person now because I'm learning from all the mistakes I made. Maybe the same can work for you.

2nd May 2005, 03:34	#4
missyob Angel of Winamp Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: The Winamp House Posts: 4,577	Thanks guys. You have both helped alot. I was just beating myself up so bad tonight. <-------- says to self, think positive thoughts, you cant change the past but can strive for the future You guys are the best. I am so glad to be a part of these forums.

2nd May 2005, 04:37	#6
ryan not fucked, not quite. (Forum King) Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Missouri via Tennessee Posts: 8,814	Kill myself..er.. hug

2nd May 2005, 11:47	#7
Twilightseer Frenchoderator Join Date: May 2000 Location: Lavabo, fond du couloir, 3è porte à droite Posts: 6,311	I was about to post "Morphine" after I read the title of the thread Disregard this post

2nd May 2005, 12:21	#8
missyob Angel of Winamp Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: The Winamp House Posts: 4,577	Morphine makes me throw up.

2nd May 2005, 12:26	#9
ertmann\|CPH Forum Viking (Forum King) Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: The North Posts: 3,541	Greeting from a dull airport, with free wireless ehm, i did something really stupid in my last relationship, and i beat myself up over it for quite some time, half a year or something i believe, but then normal life seemed to take over again, i still get some nights even though it's allmost 1,5 years ago where i can't sleep... guess what im trying to say that the pain indeed does go away, it just takes the time it needs to take... anyway... better get to the gate... - See ya

2nd May 2005, 12:33	#10
missyob Angel of Winamp Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: The Winamp House Posts: 4,577	All airports are boring What I did had nothing to do with a relationship - It had to do with a decision that I regret......

2nd May 2005, 23:42	#13
Bilbo Baggins Wind Chime of the Apocalypse Join Date: May 2000 Location: The Forest Posts: 17,226	I ignore and let it eat away at me as self loathing. How emo am I?

3rd May 2005, 07:20	#17
deeder7001 Jesus Freak (Forum King) Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Tempe, AZ Posts: 5,562	nobody's perfect. There is no sig.

3rd May 2005, 11:59	#19
Leonhart Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: England Posts: 312	hugs "To Be Forgotten Is Worse Than Death"

3rd May 2005, 12:08	#20
missyob Angel of Winamp Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: The Winamp House Posts: 4,577	hugs back

3rd May 2005, 19:37	#21
c2R Stereotype? (Forum King) Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Ware, England Posts: 3,511	Everything will work out, Missy. Mainly because it always does... Hope you're having a better day today...! lights out for darker skies # forums.winamp.com boinc team # tms

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