Old 8th July 2003, 15:13   #1
Raz
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Cats

Post all things funny or cute and cat related here...

I'll start with the cat commandments:

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is using the computer.

Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap.

Thou shalt not climb on garbage cans with hinged lids, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shalt not jump onto a seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

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Old 8th July 2003, 15:18   #2
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Thou shalt not rip the skin off thy human's hand

Thous shalt not perforate the furniture

Secret Snacker & Accomplished Pen Thief At:
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Old 8th July 2003, 15:18   #3
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Old 8th July 2003, 15:23   #4
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ROFL

(i had to, that picture is worth it)

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Old 8th July 2003, 15:24   #5
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Cat hater.

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Old 8th July 2003, 15:32   #6
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I love that picture - Atero hated that picture. It was posted somewhere up here several months back.
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Old 8th July 2003, 16:04   #7
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I like cats but that picture is hilarious, haha just messed with my cat and string to kill some time, cats are so entertaining.

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Old 8th July 2003, 16:13   #8
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Come anywhere near my cat with a device like that and you'd get THIS for your trouble...
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Old 8th July 2003, 16:15   #9
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My cat is 19 and spends most of his time sleeping. When he was little and his brother was still alive, they would always be chasing each other around the house. His brother would do backflips to catch a ball.

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Old 8th July 2003, 16:39   #10
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I thnk this deserves another mention:

Schroedinger's Cat: Dead, Alive, and "Furniture."


This is not actually Link, but an uncanny impostor!
I regularly measure the interest of any front page update by the amount of email received the subsequent day. For example, if I write an article about Iraq and promptly accumulate 26 messages reading, "u fag, nobody wants to read about Iraq," I learn that the topic of war in Iraq doesn't particularly appeal to many readers at the current time. If I instead update the site with an essay detailing my intense hatred for Real Network's Real Player One software which was spawned from Satan's bulbous, rancid crotch, and the following day I find myself deluged with "u fag, nobody wants to read about Iraq" emails, I learn that I am, in fact, a fag of some sort. Now while this feedback doesn't normally affect me, as I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to ignore the correlation between Iraq and the urge to lodge a man's penis in my throat, it does indicate what readers enjoy seeing on this website. I recently spent roughly $15,000 to hire an independent contracting firm which specializes in data analysis so they could take all my incoming email, sort them out, and reveal what subjects interest you, the reader. After weeks of "analyzing the fuck" out of my data, this company provided me with the following useful list which details the top 10 most popular subjects according to my reader-submitted email feedback:

1) Vague, incomprehensible instructions detailing the complex procedure to make my penis magically grow much larger than its current size. I believe the process involves smoke and mirrors and surgically grafting somebody else's dick onto my crotch.

2) Vague, incomprehensible instructions detailing how I can "work at home and become my own boss" simply by sending out approximately 19 hundred million billion unsolicited letters which explain to people that they too may become their own bosses if they were to simply send out 19 hundred million billion unsolicited letters. This would create a world full of bosses, and I don't think I feel comfortable with that, as mini-bosses are difficult enough to beat in this day and age.

3) Warnings about how my computer's "data" (I think that means "pornography") currently resides in a high state of risk, as hackers and robots and cyborgs and mutant spiders from the future possess the power to somehow physically steal my entire computer over the Internet. The only way to secure my "data" (I think that means "Bewitched fan fiction") involves purchasing a suite of software programmed by such industry experts as "JimSoft" and "GlobalMegaUltraSuperCool Inc. Software Inc."

4) Mortgage rates have hit rock bottom and currently float somewhere between 0.00003% and -192%. If I fail to purchase a house by seeking financing through my close pals at x83sfsd92m@hotmail.com, then my future will consist of a distinct lack of homes and I'll undoubtedly contract some rare form of ass cancer.


I'm fairly sure this is illegal.
5) A frequent amount of "hot action" occurs between a mother and her daughter, and this "hot action" demands my immediate attention and credit card subscription. I honestly don't have any idea what they refer to here, but I can only assume I'd be paying $19.95 a month for images of a mother and daughter baking brownies or maybe cleaning their closets. If I fantasize enough, perhaps I could imagine they're cleaning MY closets! Now that's hot, especially because I have a garbage bag full of machine gun bullets in my bedroom closet!

6) Any prescription narcotic, ranging from Valium to that one drug which caused all babies born in the 1970s to come equipped with a bonus set of 13 additional arms, can be purchased by simply mailing my credit card details to a company residing on some small, possibly radioactive island with a name like "Gynfiztarmaria."

7) If I fail to purchase a truck palette full of printer toner cartridges, my apartment could possibly explode in a fiery inferno of doom, my parents will disown me, and the NSA will arrest me for breaking some highly crucial Homeland Security law like "taking a really long shower and thereby allowing terrorists an opportunity to break into my apartment and set off a dirty bomb underneath my DSL modem."

8) I am a person of the homosexual persuasion.

9) "¿ÃÕ ÁÕàÇçºä«µì E-commerce à»ç¹¢Í§·èÒ¹àͧ." I have employed a nationally recognized team of scientists and homeless people claiming to be scientists so they may determine exactly what "¿ÃÕ ÁÕàÇçºä«µì E-commerce à»ç¹¢Í§·èÒ¹àͧ" means and why I receive this important message on an hourly basis. So far the results have been inconclusive, although one of the homeless people submitted a report which read, "ebb the FUCKING PONY" and had the word "GOVERNMENT" scratched out with somebody's blood.

10) The only interesting I've ever written in the entire history of the universe has been about my cats.


Cat is clearly "furniture."
These conclusive results have proven many things to me, mostly that the concept of paying people to analyze my email falls into the category of "a bad idea." However, these intellectuals and unshaven louts who used my carpet to wipe the soot off certain unmentionable parts of their body have proven to me something that I already suspected: my cats are the only things in my life anybody in this plane of existence cares about. Each and every time I detail the adventures of "Cat" and "Stupid," I am deluged with up to three emails exclaiming "your cat article was the funniest thing you've ever written," "I loved your cat update," and "y do u write about ur cats u fag?" This type of positive reinforcement leads me to believe that, in addition to my sexual orientation leaning towards the homosexual persuasion, Something Awful attracts a large amount of cat owners. Now before I truly dive into the rancid heart of today's update, I would like to state the following theory I devised after drinking a large amount of gin from a Citgo mug which featured a colorful image of highly Japanese baseball player Ichiro Suzuki: cats exist in an Aristotelian state of either "alive" or "furniture."

Anybody who has failed out of a rudimentary science class knows about the tall tale of Schroedinger's Cat. For those of you not familiar with this scientific study, let me provide a brief overview. On June 7 of 1935, Erwin Schroedinger devised one of history's most puzzling paradoxes, ranking right up there with how John Kruk has so far failed to devour the entire planet Earth. His theory, in short form, challenged my aforementioned Aristotelian logic by placing a cat inside a box. The interior of this box contained a poison pellet (radioactive isotope) which had a 50% chance of breaking and, therefore, killing the cat or at least giving it incredible superpowers which it would then use to solve major metropolitan crimes. If the cat occupies the enclosed box with the poison pellet, and outside observers lack any way to determine if the pellet has exploded, does the cat occupy the "alive" or "dead" state? Fortunately, I can easily solve this problem, and if some famous scientist fag would've bothered messaging me, then I could've explained it to him and I would have an article published in Scientific Smarty Pants American Webmaster magazine. Schroedinger's Cat, while inside the box o' death, occupies the "furniture" state of being.


Stupid is clearly "alive."
When you first purchase a young cat (known as "a kitten" to scientists and spacemen), it is obviously "alive." If you fail to staple its paws to the carpet, the kitten will run around like an idiot and engage in various kitten-like activities, such as jumping into walls, staring at invisible entities floating around your head, and eating threatening enemies such as plastic candy bar wrappers and pens. When you attempt to sleep at 3:00 AM, the kitten will invariably express the fact that it is "alive" by producing a series of sounds that resemble an adult weasel being slowly crushed inside a trash compactor. When you wake up, the kitten will show you how "alive" it is by staring coldly into your eyes and attempting to steal your soul, possibly by using ancient Indian magic or mitosis. When you try to work or relax, the kitten will demonstrate that it is still "alive" by chewing on electrical cables and spending roughly six consecutive hours moving all the cat litter in its box from one side to the other, then moving it all back to the position it originally occupied. Kittens find these types of activities very fun and amusing, mostly because they have the IQ of a trombone. However, kittens undergo a transformation sometime in their lives when they metamorphosize from "alive" to "furniture." For the sake of simplicity, I will include the state of "dead" under "furniture," as I am fairly sure most of the furniture I've seen in my lifetime has been dead, except at that one weird fetish party I attended in college where I blacked out for seven hours and woke up in the back of a pickup truck the following morning.

Like any good scientist or auto mechanic, allow me to provide some experimental proof to support my ascertainment. Three years ago or so, in the year 1986 I believe, I purchased a cat (whom I named "Cat") from the animal shelter. He enjoyed running around, occasionally into the window, and generally acting as if his blood has been replaced with a mixture of lava and gasoline. He was very much "alive" and expressed this by doing things like jumping on my lap and then digging his claws into my thighs to indicate he had grown tired of resting on my lap. He stayed "alive" for a few years, but one night he suddenly experienced a change in state and turned into "furniture." From that point on, his primary goals included sleeping, sleeping on top of a box, sleeping under a bed, sleeping near a box besides the bed, and shitting. As you can tell, this state of being differs from the previous "alive" status. In theory, I could place Cat on top of the television set and he hypothetically would fail to move for at least one decade. The only ways to physically move Cat from one location to another is by either employing a complex series of levers and pulleys or lighting a garbage bag on fire and chasing him while screaming like an Asian rape victim.

To make up for Cat's change into furniture, I purchased a fresh, new kitten about a year ago which I named "Stupid" on account that he's very stupid. Stupid likes to eat cardboard. Stupid enjoys staring at the walls for six minutes, then suddenly deciding to run in a random direction at 130 miles an hour. Stupid provides me with regular updates confirming he is "alive" every 10 seconds by making horrid, high-pitched screeching sounds. In summary, Stupid is stupid. However, as mentally deficient as Stupid may be, he can still be considered "alive" in just about every sense of the word. He has not yet made the stunningly horrible transformation from "alive" to "furniture" yet, and for this I thank whatever masochistic, bearded white god that placed me on this Earth.


WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE!!!
Another interesting aspect of my two cats involve when one in the "alive" state interacts with one in the "furniture" state. During this event, the cat who previously occupied the "furniture" state temporarily becomes "alive" until the interaction between the two ends. I'm not exactly sure how this happens, but I assume the "alive" cat passes its kinetic energy into the "furniture" cat, thereby activating its internal "alive" state which had previously been dormant. Either that or witchcraft, you make the call. For example, as I attempted to write the article you're currently reading, I noticed Cat lying next to a cardboard box, obviously in a deep "furniture" state. Stupid noticed this as well, and his miniscule brain (which is powered by AM radio waves) commanded him to immediately charge towards Cat and create an impact similar to a tanker trailer plowing into a one-armed cyclist with Down's Syndrome. The energy from Stupid passed directly into Cat, causing him to jump up and knock over the stack of nearby DAT tapes. This unexpected noise startled both cats, now in the "alive" state, and resulted in them fleeing from the room at supersonic speeds. I do not currently know where they are now, but judging by the velocity at which they ran, I'm estimating they're somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.

In summary, I am not quite sure why all the important scientist people forgot to IM me when attempting to solve the paradox of Schroedinger's cat. I mean, come on guys, my email address is written all over this goddamn page, if you wanted some answers then all you had to do was drop me a message with the subject line of "yo, how do u solve schro's cat prblm? ;-)" and I would've probably replied with a succinct and grammatically incorrect response which additionally involved referring to you as a "fag." Cats occupy one of either two states, "alive" and "furniture" throughout both their lives and subsequent deaths. If a cat does not show signs of being "alive," then we can safely assume they have reverted to their natural "furniture" status. With this in mind, I can safely say that when Erwin Schroedinger placed his cat inside a box with radioactive isotopes and poison gas pellets in 1935, the cat successfully transformed from "alive" to "furniture." Also, Schroedinger probably got in trouble with his wife for murdering their pet. I wonder how the conversation at dinner went that night.

MRS. SCHROEDINGER: "How was work today, dear?"
MR. SCHROEDINGER: "Great! I sent a letter to Albert Einstein! The letter only cost .0004 cents to mail because this is 1935 and I think we're in the Great Depression or maybe World War I!"
MRS. SCHROEDINGER: "I'd better set up a speakeasy in the basement so us flappers can do the Charleston!"
MR. SCHROEDINGER: "No, I think that was the 1920's, not the 30's."
MRS. SCHROEDINGER: "Oops, my mistake."
MR. SCHROEDINGER: "Oh yeah, also I put our cat inside a box with radioactive isotopes and poison gas pellets. You know, for science. It's dead now, but hey, for a while there we didn't really know how it would turn out!"
MRS. SCHROEDINGER: "I'm filing for a divorce."
MR. SCHROEDINGER: "Good, now I can finally work at home and become my own boss because mortgage rates are so low."

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Old 8th July 2003, 16:44   #11
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Raz you forgot one

thou shall not clime up screen door and piss through it!!
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Old 8th July 2003, 16:50   #12
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That was hilarious Raz. Long, but funny.
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Old 8th July 2003, 22:39   #13
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Old 8th July 2003, 23:10   #14
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haha, this thread pwns, /me forsees Raz motm August
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Old 9th July 2003, 02:09   #15
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I love cats.

But I miss my Gadget. *pouts like a little kid*
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Old 9th July 2003, 02:31   #16
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Quote:
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap.
That hurts SOOOOO bad!!!!
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Old 9th July 2003, 14:24   #17
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Sometimes when I sleep, the kitten just jumps on the bed and scratch the hell out of my blanket. She sleeps with me because I like it when she purrs
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Old 9th July 2003, 14:52   #18
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Quote:
Originally posted by Starbucks
Sometimes when I sleep, the kitten just jumps on the bed and scratch the hell out of my blanket. She sleeps with me because I like it when she purrs
????

You need a girlfriend......BAD!!!
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Old 9th July 2003, 15:03   #19
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Old 9th July 2003, 15:13   #20
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It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.
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Old 9th July 2003, 15:17   #21
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Obedo: That's well, purrrfection!
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Old 9th July 2003, 15:24   #22
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Thing I Learned From my Cat

Make the world your playground.

Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging
a sock over it helps.

If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard
until you do.

When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you
just to shut you up.

Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.

Nap often.

When in trouble, just purr and look cute.

Life is hard, and then you nap.

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few
hours.

When in doubt, cop an attitude.

Variety is the spice of Life. One day, ignore people;
the next day, annoy them.

Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains
are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each
corner.

Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the
bed tells them, "I care."

When you have something important to say, try to say
it in the dead of night when you're SURE everyone's
sleeping. There's no better way to get the attention
you deserve.
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Old 10th July 2003, 00:42   #23
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Quote:
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the
bed tells them, "I care."
my cat brought us a rodent or bird almost every day for about 5 years in a row. for the last 8 years, he has slowed to about one per month. not because he isn't aass good at catching the rodents or birds, but because He's killed off the large majority of them. how do I know this? when he goes to my aunts house while we are on vacation, he has brought them at least one rodent/bird every day for the duration of his stay.

byw, my cat is at least 15 years old now, and shows no signs of slowing down, he routinely beats the crap out of the other cats in the neighborhood.
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Old 10th July 2003, 01:14   #24
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Quote:
Originally posted by Raz
I like cats but that picture is hilarious, haha just messed with my cat and string to kill some time, cats are so entertaining.

I love cats and that picture was hilarious! I should scan a few of my cat, she's the cutest!

just as feathery as ever | portfolio | a poignant quote
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Old 10th July 2003, 01:59   #25
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BMWBoy has a sweet cat. I wish I had an outdoors cat, but my parents keep my cat inside. Darn.
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Old 10th July 2003, 03:48   #26
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omit had a kat too it was the smartest cat in the world (damnit) she was psychic i tell you. she was forced out of the house when my sister came to live with us. (allergies) in her freedom she became a mommy and quickly after a grandma. she never strayed too far from our yard oddly enough (especialy for a cat) whenever she heard the door open she came running and would get in before we could catch her (4 times out of 10) once in she calmly rested on a comfortable matress or couch as if nothing had ever happend and she had been inside the whole time. sadly a fall from a tree fated her end. (she didnt land on her feet; she was most likely fighting with another cat in its branches) omits parents gave all the rest of the cats away without mine or jimmy's consent; before we even have the priveldge of naming any of them. its a rather devistatingly unpleasent thing to come home to all of your 15+ very young kitties gone. one of her kitties had a distinct bow tie and ring around his eye as if it were one of those dignified single lenses that are commonly used for dipicting aristocrats. (he was called mr. bitten [we were young *clears throat])

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Old 10th July 2003, 10:03   #27
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i-hate-cats

too many cuts, scracthes and other injuries at a young age can give one a phobia of cats. my friend has a cat that just sits around all day on its back, looking like a pr0nstar.
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Old 10th July 2003, 18:15   #28
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Quote:
Originally posted by EnDurA
i-hate-cats
And Cats-Hate-U
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Old 10th July 2003, 22:13   #29
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Quote:
Originally posted by EnDurA
scracthes and other injuries at a young age can give one a phobia of cats.
Being poked in the eye, having your tail nearly pulled off, and being squeezed half to death would give you a phobia of little kids.

¯¯¯¯Joe Bloggs____
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
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Old 10th July 2003, 22:26   #30
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Cat's are funny...
Never put them, in their claw, gum


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Old 10th July 2003, 22:55   #31
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lol bloggs. i wasn't like that, i don't think. they kinda just jumped into my chest and decided to claw at me. i was lannky, maybe they thought me a scratching post?
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Old 10th July 2003, 23:27   #32
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My cat gets attention by getting on my lap and pretending to fall asleep and then when i least expect it digs her claws really far into my legs so i stand up then it meows and scratches at the door now that i'm up.

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Old 11th July 2003, 01:19   #33
Rocky Raccoon
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I remember somebody in this forum had a cat with thumbs... can't find teh thread though :\

Salaam
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Old 11th July 2003, 02:02   #34
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Quote:
Omit said...
omit had a kat too it was the smartest cat in the world (damnit) she was psychic i tell you. she was forced out of the house when my sister came to live with us. (allergies) in her freedom she became a mommy and quickly after a grandma. she never strayed too far from our yard oddly enough (especialy for a cat) whenever she heard the door open she came running and would get in before we could catch her (4 times out of 10) once in she calmly rested on a comfortable matress or couch as if nothing had ever happend and she had been inside the whole time. sadly a fall from a tree fated her end. (she didnt land on her feet; she was most likely fighting with another cat in its branches) omits parents gave all the rest of the cats away without mine or jimmy's consent; before we even have the priveldge of naming any of them. its a rather devistatingly unpleasent thing to come home to all of your 15+ very young kitties gone. one of her kitties had a distinct bow tie and ring around his eye as if it were one of those dignified single lenses that are commonly used for dipicting aristocrats. (he was called mr. bitten [we were young *clears throat])
:*(
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Old 11th July 2003, 03:38   #35
Pixelcraft
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Heh. Heheh. I had a cat. I have one now, but I had a different cat then.

One day my dad was working outside, and all of a sudden our cat purrl (mentioned in the post pics of your pets thread) just BURSTS out of the woods, just FLYING across the yard. Finally he runs and hides in the wheel-well on my dad's truck. My dad just stood there a minute, and then the neighbor cat (also mentioned in the other thread) runs out of the woods after it.

Well, my dad had been shooting sqirrels all day (don't ask), so he was standing there with a loaded 12-gauge and an excited dog. So the neighbor cat slammes on his kitty paw brakes, slides about 3 feet desperately trying to stop and turn around, and my dad tells my dog "Go boy! Go get him!" And the neighbor cat made this incredible face that was like he was saying "Oh Shit!"

So my dog just TEARS after him, kicking up dust and grass everywhere he ran, and the neighbor cat was just running his ass off! It was so funny!

"It's like saying give a man a Les Paul guitar and he becomes Eric Clapton, and of course that's not true, give a man an amplifier and a synthesizer and he doesn't become...whoever; he doesn't become us." - Roger Waters
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Old 11th July 2003, 05:20   #36
EnDurA
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lol, i can just see his face
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Old 11th July 2003, 14:17   #37
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Old 11th July 2003, 14:34   #38
Raz
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Old 11th July 2003, 14:36   #39
Vie
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my lord that cat is worried, its walking though a puddle!

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Old 11th July 2003, 15:13   #40
Avion
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I love cats. I have three right now.
two are black and white, on is black with
a white in her neck.
There names are :
Mamma kitty [she's the mother]
Ringo [he's from Mamma's second litter]
Whisper [ she'll eat nothing but fancy fiest. LOL]

Past cats

I had two child hood cats:
Toby [a grey & white kitty. wanted to have lots of sex with the ladies]
Mugzie [an orange kitty who cut real bad and died]

then when I got older and moved to the
Province of British Columbia in Canada,
We found Mamma kitty, sh just shouwed up. lol
That's when we got Whisper
and Icey. Icey was white male cat.
He was by far my favorite cat. He would
chace after a frisby in the air. He
would jump in the air and attack it.
When doing so he brought down the frisby.
So, it often looked like he was playing frisby He also LOVED THE SNOW.
but he got ranover by a car.
Then Ringo was born in the second litter and we
kept him, don't know why. That cat is just wierd. He licks everything, your toes, your lips your ckeeks, Mamma kitty's ass.
He has sex with stuffed animals, and acts all gay with me like he wants to do some freaky shit in the litter box.


anyways....

here's some pictures I found to celebrate cats.


http://imagesource.allposters.com/images/CLA/CC948.jpg


http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/ISI/10342.jpg


http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/NIM/KN071.jpg


catanna


cats


cats

formely known as knightfairy > Theodis > DJ Theodis
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